Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
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My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I’d use my best pan on you.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.