Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
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pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.