Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
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I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!