what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
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As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
OH. COME. ON.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me