I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
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Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
lol
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no