friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
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Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Tony Hawk, age 6
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.