My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
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How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science