First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
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Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Peace was never an option
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk