[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
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Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
All is fair in drunk and war.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad