still the best tweet of the year by far
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Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
I can鈥檛 believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she鈥檚 getting ready to visit grandma too.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you鈥檙e thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃槅 Easy assemble?
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
me: my friends:
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you鈥檙e all at church.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You鈥檙e so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That鈥檚 me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I鈥檓 like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma鈥檃m, i鈥檓 sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*