People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
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“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.