Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.

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wife *opens First Aid kit*
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time


Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.


How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.


Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.


I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup


Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.


Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.


Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?