Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
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Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink