“Pasta la veista, baby”
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
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wife *opens First Aid kit*
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
dr: we had to remove your colon
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?