The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
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Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.