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“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?