[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
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A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
I can fix him.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?