I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
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I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On