If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
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[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.