[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
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[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.