me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
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*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
“OMGJK” -atheists
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.