I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
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50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
How I’d get arrested…
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
I unironically love this joke.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!