Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
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People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Meanwhile in Portland…
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management