Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
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Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂