I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
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“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
My life in a nutshell
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one