A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
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when you don’t want to be too vague
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
mariah carrie
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie