That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
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HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.