Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
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I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u