Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
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Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.