harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
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878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me: