Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo

Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets

School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –

*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”

Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags

Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.

Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.

3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.

[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”

You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.

ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!

On the surface: cool as a cucumber…

On the inside: squirrel in traffic…

i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods

It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk

Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.

Me: Just one more hit. I need it.

Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.

Me: *hits snooze button*

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.