facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
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My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.