facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
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They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
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Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke