Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.

[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going

Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.

I should probably buy him something soon.

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

From mommies.

“How do they get inside?”

CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’

Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??

*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*

“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”

{during sex}

Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights

I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.

Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.

Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?

Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅

“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”

Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.

Twitter: Yes you can.

*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

There’s never enough good news

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.