Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
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If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?