Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
![]()
You Might Also Like
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
![]()
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
![]()
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?