If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
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Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
how much for the angry fruit?