9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
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No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
why does this building look like a guilty dog
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
I had to Stop for this
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*