In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
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“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo