Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
You Might Also Like
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working