Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
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What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
that wasn’t the question
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
How do you like your Corgi?
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
gentlemen, hear me out
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.