Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
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My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything