Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
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⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other