Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
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major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are