I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
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the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.