ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
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Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now