remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
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*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog