WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
You Might Also Like
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
This is me
mariah carrie
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?