[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
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My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Guys, I found it.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.