[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
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We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
good for her
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Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
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ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
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Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.