Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
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twitter is a journey
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
What a chick magnet..
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
guys I’m going home
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*