Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?

“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick

Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.

Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?

Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her

The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing

My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.

Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.

date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker

me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me:

gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it

In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes

Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.

6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher

Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?

6: Chick-fil-A

My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.

*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes

date: I like to try new foods

me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark