Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
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Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Ape together strong
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]