You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
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SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
lol
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon