They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
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No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Finally! 😈