“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
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The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.