[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
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Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.