There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
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Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.